WHITE HOT
by Tommy Smith
” ***** Incendiary … [Tommy Smith’s] dialogue has brass on its knuckles … White Hot brands Smith forcefully as a talent to watch and to stomach.” — TIME OUT NEW YORK
“Excellent. We know this can’t end well – we knew from the start. But to make stories about awful, broken people watchable, there has to be something to recognize or something to surprise. You’ll find both here. The audience staggered a bit on the way out. You’ve been warned.” – THE STRANGER
“White Hot is bleak terrain, a buried cesspool of self-loathing and unseemly, sadistic yearnings in love. The play can be read as a critique of the deadening fallout of our reactionary, materialistic, exploitative and soulless era. It can be read as a bad dream or a soap opera about the banality of evil. However you read it, it doesn’t go down easy.” – NEW YORK THEATRE REVIEW
––
LIL, early thirties, pregnant
SIS, mid thirties, Lil’s sister
BRI, mid thirties, Lil’s husband
GRIG, thirties
1.
An apartment
SIS
So then he came over.
LIL
No.
SIS
I called him like that and he came over.
LIL
No.
SIS
I’ve only seen him in a hoody. I only met him at clubs. This thug. This thug with the Eastern European accent.
LIL
He’s from where?
SIS
The Ukraine. And I said is that an independent country or a province of Russia? I didn’t remember. Last I looked Ukraine was a province and he said he didn’t know either.
LIL
So this guy.
SIS
The first thing he does? Caresses my cheek. Real sweet. It was a real panty soaker. And by now his accent’s slipping. I’m also really drunk and very stoned and I’ve taken a few pills and I haven’t slept in like three days at this point, so I don’t call him out on the slipping accent, I don’t even have the words for it.
LIL
And then?
SIS
His dick is fucking huge. Thick like a baby arm. And he shoves it down my throat and I spit up some acidy Caesar barf but it’s kind of warm so it lubricates his cock. He flips me over and pushes it up my ass and later I’m shitting blood but it’s nice, you know? Tender. These bright red swirls of blood clouding the bowl.
LIL
He’s from where?
SIS
They have these places you go on the computer where you can find people like him.
LIL
What’s he like?
SIS
Hard to say. But he’ll do anything, you know, I asked him to do some pretty fucked up shit and he went ahead and did it.
LIL
Can you call him?
SIS
Sure, yeah, I can call.
LIL
Can you call for me?
SIS
You got one already. You got your man. Snared him like a bird. He’s your nest now.
LIL
I love Bri.
SIS
But Bri’s a problem, right?
LIL
I’m just alone so much.
SIS
This guy won’t solve that.
LIL
I’m not in control. I’d rather be in control.
SIS
But we’re not the same, Lil, we’re built different with different parts. What works for me doesn’t work for you.
LIL
I’m a grown woman.
SIS
You’re a good girl.
LIL
No.
SIS
You’re wearing a university sweater.
LIL
I’m like everyone else.
SIS
Another stroller mom ornamenting the street. You’re so calm, why are you always so calm?
LIL
Am I calm?
SIS
Dead. You get married and suddenly you’re someone else.
LIL
I live a domestic lifestyle.
SIS
It’s something else. It’s something bad, right? I can tell by that face, you make that distant face. You’re afraid.
LIL
No.
SIS
You’re afraid, Lil.
LIL
You don’t know my what’s in my head, Sis.
SIS
I know it enough. We came from the same hole. I just turned out yang. Jesus, I must look like shit, do I look like shit?
LIL
No.
SIS
I feel like I look like shit. You got a mirror or something?
LIL
I broke all the mirrors.
SIS
Dramatic.
LIL
I was sitting around and I broke them.
SIS
Why?
LIL
Bri left for work. I made myself some eggs. The sun was very bright. There were all these mirrors we bought. They kept blinding me. The reflection of the sun. I thought it was getting in my eyes. The light. Like my eyes were storing up this painful light.
SIS
You need a hobby.
LIL
I have one.
SIS
Knitting paves the pathway to madness.
LIL
I made you something.
Lil pulls out knitted white hat with pink bunny ears.
SIS
My point exactly.
LIL
You don’t like it?
SIS
It’s nice. You’re nice.
LIL
Try it for the fit.
SIS
Does it go like this?
LIL
Like this.
SIS
Mmm. Comfy.
LIL
You look great.
SIS
I’ll take your word.
LIL
No, you look beautiful.
SIS
Look at my nose.
LIL
Oh, that’s funny.
SIS
My little bunny nose.
LIL
That’s amazing your nose can do that.
SIS
Hold off the awards.
LIL
I love bunny noses. Bunny noses always sniff. Even when they’re sleeping.
SIS
Bunnies are stupid rodents.
LIL
Bunnies are smart.
SIS
Bunnies are stupid then you eat them.
LIL
The bunnies we had were pretty smart. They knew when bad weather was coming. Remember? Dad kept them out back. He wouldn’t let us name them. When you give something a name you can’t kill it. So it was Number Twenty Three. Sixty-Two. But if you said it right, if you said their names with sweetness, they’d respond. How are you today Thirty-Two? Enjoying the weather? And if it was nice out she’d come up to your finger and nibble. But if there was a storm, she’d shake. Shiver in the corner of her cage.
SIS
Ah, memories.
LIL
I thought they laid eggs. This was before I knew about, well, how things were with things that make other things. Nine got sick. Dad said she’d be fine. I saved food and fed her. I thought she was getting better. Her stomach got so big. And then one day her stomach was back to normal. But she was frantic. She ran from one end of the cage to the other, banging her body against the meshed metal. What’s wrong, Nine? It was her children. She birthed her children and they fell through the spaces between the metal wire. They were in the feces, down below, this mound of little pellets. These gray things. They looked like little seals, writhing and gasping and their faces all muddy. I buried them. I could have saved them. But I shoveled them under the shit.
Beat.
SIS
So it’s, what, two months now?
LIL
Three.
SIS
You’re not showing any signs.
LIL
No.
SIS
Can you feel it yet?
LIL
No.
SIS
Isn’t it supposed to be moving by now?
LIL
Yes.
SIS
But it’s there?
LIL
That’s what the doctor says.
SIS
Suck.
LIL
I can’t get around it. I can’t imagine this thing right here. I suppose it will be nice.
SIS
Yeah, man, I don’t know, I’ve seen the videos of it happening, like, gushing blood and the mother dumping feces all over the place.
LIL
Really?
SIS
You birth a turd with the baby. How long did this hat take?
LIL
Three months. Do you like it?
SIS
It’s terrible. You wasted your time. I’ll never wear it again. I’ll smile and say I love it. But next time I puke I’ll clean the floors with this hat.
LIL
That’s nice.
SIS
I puke a lot. Comes with the territory. Deviants can’t stomach much. They can’t hold anything inside. Better to be empty and ready.
LIL
You could change.
SIS
Change what?
LIL
Your life.
SIS
Did I say I was unhappy?
LIL
Aren’t you?
SIS
I’m here. That will have to do.
LIL
I always had this vision that some day life would straighten itself out. But that never happens, does it?
SIS
No. It wouldn’t be any fun.
Sis hands Lil scrap of paper.
LIL
What’s this?
SIS
His number. Don’t call after ten.
LIL
Why not?
SIS
It’s just what he told me.
LIL
What do I say?
SIS
What do you feel like saying?
LIL
What did you say?
SIS
I told him about my whiskers. About my hot white fur. I told him I had big ears and my ears loved to be stroked.
LIL
Bri can’t know.
SIS
Bri won’t know and if he did he wouldn’t say anything. You’re safe. You know, the kid. You’ve got a mortgage. He wouldn’t want to fuck that up.
LIL
Thank you.
SIS
Fuck you.
LIL
I suppose you want some pills.
SIS
Of course I want some pills, why do you think I’m here?
LIL
Bri got me these yesterday.
SIS
So your husband makes you take drugs?
LIL
They’re not drugs. They’re good drugs. They fight the depression I developed as a young woman. Bri’s worried about me and the baby but mostly the baby because it’s living off me and I used to take a lot of drugs so I might deform the baby, I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t thinking when I was young about the future and now I’m feeling the negative mental and physical repercussions.
SIS
That’s not your voice.
LIL
I’ve been reading a book about drug addicts for former or current drug addicts.
SIS
You weren’t a drug addict. You were young. That’s the same.
LIL
I love Bri and I’m doing it for him because he loves me.
SIS
Save it for the Judge. I talk with everyone, the family and mom, mom asks how you’re doing, you never return calls, not since you got pregnant, and I get to lie to mom and say you’re fine. What’s the matter with you, anyway?
LIL
I need time.
SIS
What does even that mean?
LIL
Those were the first words that came into my head.
SIS
Whatev, bro.
LIL
You shouldn’t take these all at once.
Sis takes them all at once.
SIS
Well, see you in a couple days.
LIL
Where are you going?
SIS
Stroll around a bit. Wait for these to take over.
LIL
Be careful.
SIS
I won’t.
LIL
I love you, Sis.
SIS
What did you really want to say?
LIL
I hate you.
SIS
And?
LIL
(suddenly with force) You sicken me you fucking piece of shit I want to kill you, I want to fucking stab your neck you bitch fucking bitch fuck you!
SIS
There. You’re learning.
2.
A park
BRI
That’s not how a story goes. No one will want to listen to that story. But he didn’t listen. So I said it again and again. This story won’t work. There are a million stories but this isn’t one of them. Stories have to show people something. And there has to be hope. Every great work of literature has hope. And he says This is a different time. There isn’t any hope anymore. We can’t coddle people with stupid optimism anymore. He actually said Stupid optimism.
LIL
Look at that hot dog stand.
BRI
What about it?
LIL
It’s nice.
BRI
Do you want one?
LIL
No.
BRI
I’ll buy you one.
LIL
I don’t want a hot dog.
BRI
Then why are we looking at it?
LIL
I just thought it looked nice.
BRI
Are you feeling all right? Do you want to go back?
LIL
I like walking.
BRI
But you’re not feeling good.
LIL
I’m fine with walking.
BRI
It’s too cold out. Is it too cold for you?
LIL
I like it like this.
BRI
But you might get sick.
LIL
Do you want to go back?
BRI
No, I asked you if you did.
LIL
I appreciate your patience.
BRI
Here’s lets sit.
LIL
Okay Bri.
BRI
I thought it would be nice to go away.
LIL
You’re going away?
BRI
No, the both of us. Go away somewhere.
LIL
Where?
BRI
Someplace warm.
LIL
Like Jamaica.
BRI
No, not Jamaica.
LIL
Jamaica’s warm.
BRI
Did you take your pills?
LIL
Yes.
BRI
I was thinking more like the Dominican Republic.
LIL
Sure.
BRI
They have this great festival for the dead. Like Mardi Gras. We can make masks.
LIL
That sounds fun.
BRI
You don’t want to go?
LIL
I said it sounds fun.
Beat.
LIL
I made something for you.
BRI
What is it?
LIL
It’ll fit this time.
BRI
What is it?
Lil fits a gray knit cougar cap on Bri’s head.
LIL
It’s a cougar.
BRI
I see.
LIL
Is it okay?
BRI
It’s fine.
LIL
You look nice.
Beat.
LIL
Look at that man.
BRI
What man? There’s a man?
LIL
That man on that bench.
BRI
That’s a garbage bag. No, wait, it moved.
LIL
He’s wearing that black garbage bag.
BRI
How do you think he got there?
LIL
To the bench?
BRI
How he got homeless.
LIL
One thing happens after another I suppose.
BRI
Probably drugs. He probably did a lot of drugs. He probably went to Jamaica and smoked a lot of drugs. And look at him now. Sitting there under a garbage bag. He probably slept outside last night. He probably hasn’t had a hot meal in days. When I get to that place, remind me to kill myself. We’re paying for him, you know? He lives off of us. The government pays him to sit there and take drugs. Like it was a job. You hear about guys beating up homeless guys and I can see why they do it. I could probably work myself up and kill a homeless person. I could do that. Show him what life is all about by killing him.
LIL
He’s sleeping.
BRI
What?
LIL
I just noticed that he was sleeping.
Beat.
LIL
Would you leave me alone for a moment?
BRI
Why?
LIL
I need to be by myself for a minute or two.
BRI
I’m not going to leave you by yourself in the park with all these strangers.
LIL
I’m going to have to stop speaking soon, Bri.
BRI
I’ll just sit here with you.
LIL
Bri –
BRI
I won’t say anything.
They sit in silence.
This takes a long time.
After a long silence:
LIL
Do you hear that music?
BRI
No.
LIL
There’s music.
BRI
I don’t hear music.
LIL
Listen.
They listen for a while.
There is no music.
BRI
I don’t hear anything.
Lil hums tune she thinks she hears.
After a few bars:
BRI
What are you humming?
LIL
The song.
BRI
There isn’t anything there.
LIL
It’s gone now.
BRI
It wasn’t even there. It wasn’t ever there.
LIL
It was like a band. Like a marching band. They were playing the national anthem. Not our national anthem. An anthem from another country. Like a Middle Eastern country. There were all these exotic instruments. And it was like I was there. In the country. For a second I was in another country but I was right here too, I was here and there at the same time. And it was warm there. Like Morocco. I went to there once. Morocco. I took a boat from France. I didn’t speak whatever language they were speaking. I smiled a lot. People came up to me and I gave them money like a Queen. And I was in this city, this winding city and the buildings were all tight and tan. It was a national holiday and people were shooting guns in the streets. But it was fun. Not violent. It was violent and fun at the same time. Both things at once. And there were marching bands all over the place. All playing the same national anthem. These red soldiers passed, soldiers in bright red uniforms, marching passed, each with their own exotic instrument. I followed them through the streets. I walked behind them and closed my eyes and let sound guide me. And it was like I wasn’t there. The only thing left was sound, this beautiful sound carrying me through space. But when I opened up my eyes I was in a deserted part of town. And the band members were breaking for the hills. And I didn’t know my way around, I didn’t speak the language, and it was getting dark, and there were these men in the shadows and I could see their knives glinting in the dark, reflecting the sunlight but it was dark so it must have been the moon but I remember it being day too, it was day and night at the same time.
BRI
You never went to Morocco.
LIL
I just never told you.
BRI
You’ve never been out of this country.
LIL
Yes I have.
BRI
You’ve never been on a plane. You’re scared of flying.
LIL
I’m not scared.
BRI
You never go outside. This is the first time in months.
LIL
I go places, Bri.
BRI
Oh yeah? Where do you go?
LIL
Just places. Different places.
Beat.
LIL
What are you thinking about?
BRI
The kid.
LIL
What kid?
BRI
The child, our child in your stomach.
LIL
My uterus?
BRI
Yeah, your fucking uterus. I wonder if he’s going to be happy.
LIL
She.
BRI
What?
LIL
It’s a girl.
BRI
How do you know?
LIL
It feels like a girl.
BRI
But you don’t know for sure. You have no way of really knowing.
LIL
It could be a boy I guess.
BRI
A boy would be nice. But we’ll see.
LIL
Yeah.
BRI
Just a little while longer.
LIL
Mmm hmm.
BRI
Our lives are going to be so happy.
Bri kisses Lil on forehead.
LIL
Ow.
BRI
Ow?
LIL
That hurt.
BRI
That didn’t, how could that hurt?
LIL
Your beard, you’re growing these spiky hairs.
BRI
But you said you loved my beard.
Lil punches herself in the face, hard.
BRI
What are you –
She punches herself three more times.
Bri restrains her.
BRI
People are watching.
LIL
I’m very dizzy.
BRI
You need to calm down because people can see how you’re acting.
LIL
My nose is bleeding.
BRI
What if we saw someone we knew? Huh? Beating yourself in the face. What would they think? Your nose is bleeding.
LIL
I’m going to sit down and can you get a napkin, I have napkins in my purse.
BRI
Here’s your purse.
LIL
Thank you.
BRI
What’s this?
Bri picks up scrap of paper that has fallen from purse.
LIL
I don’t know.
BRI
It came from your purse, what is it?
LIL
What does it say?
BRI
It’s a number. There’s a number here, I don’t know this number.
LIL
I don’t know how it got there.
BRI
But there’s a number here. Why is there a number? There’s a scrap of paper with a number on it in your purse, why? Why?
LIL
It was Sis.
BRI
What did Sis do? What’s she doing putting numbers in your purse?
LIL
A back specialist.
BRI
Like, a specialist for your back?
LIL
My back hurts from the baby and I need a specialist and she knew one and wrote down that number.
BRI
Should I call it? I got my cell right here.
LIL
Go ahead, Bri.
Bri removes knit cougar cap.
BRI
No. I believe you.
Bri folds the number into his pocket.
BRI
I was telling a story about that guy. Where was I?
LIL
Stupid optimism.
3.
Another apartment
SIS
I woke up feeling like shit, and I mean, shit, like shit shit. Like four in the morning. I poured myself a glass of wine, like a big glass in a mug I got from the Olympic Games. I smoked a couple joints, like three or two and went for a walk. But I got a couple steps outside and I’m like, nope, no, not today, you’re staying inside today so I went back and smoked a couple more joints and ate a salad. Somewhere in there I jerked off. And I was crying, you know, and I’m like: odd. I’m crying because it feels so good but simultaneously depressing cause when I come that’ll be it. Back to feeling again. But I come and it sort of sucks so I wipe up and stare out the window at this pack of blackbirds flying in unison over a skyscraper.
BRI
Flock.
SIS
Flock?
BRI
It’s flock of birds.
SIS
Thanks, English Major.
BRI
I’m sorry. Go on.
SIS
I was done. You want a drink?
BRI
It’s three.
SIS
Yeah, shouldn’t you be at work, Bri?
BRI
I took the day off.
Beat.
BRI
Nice apartment.
SIS
I don’t know why you would even bother to say that, I mean, you can obviously see that it’s obviously not nice so you don’t have to patronize me with your behavior.
BRI
Sorry.
SIS
Where’s your wife? Where’s my sister?
BRI
At the doctor’s deciding the sex of the baby.
SIS
She didn’t want to know.
BRI
She changed her mind.
SIS
Shouldn’t you be with her?
BRI
She wanted to go alone.
SIS
Did she say that?
BRI
No, but I’m her husband and I pretty much know what she’s feeling even when she doesn’t say it.
SIS
Are you sure?
BRI
Where you going with this?
SIS
I’m just interrogating you, Bri. A little harmless interrogation. I’ll bring out the mask in a little bit.
BRI
What mask?
SIS
My black interrogation mask. I’ll slip it over your head. I’ll shut off the lights. I’ll tie your hands to a chair and push your face in a bucket of water. You’ll talk.
BRI
What do you mean?
SIS
I mean, fuck, have a little imagination, huh?
She downs a glass of wine and lights a joint, all in one breath.
SIS
There’s this philosophy guy I see time to time. Of course I fuck him and he’s not that good but the conversation’s always satisfying. He goes off about the lack of imagination. Like, there’s some quantifiable equation he’s coming up with to chart the loss of imagination over the history of humankind. I don’t know how you’d chart something like that, but then again I’m no philosopher, I just wake up and stare in the distance, you know? Think about my day without adding any essays to it. Apparently we’ve got this date next week, this philosopher and I, and he’s going to bring over the chart. People had more imagination in the past, apparently, like when there were less people and this theory is that human beings have a fixed amount of imagination that doesn’t grow with the population. So as more assholes have more asshole kids, the thinner our collective imagination becomes. We dream less. We get stupid. What do you think about that?
BRI
I don’t know.
SIS
See what I mean?
BRI
No.
SIS
Why are you really here, Bri?
BRI
I thought I’d come for a visit.
SIS
You don’t do that, Bri, I mean you’ve never done that, never, so don’t play it off like this is every day, Bri.
BRI
The back specialist.
SIS
Why do you say that, back specialist, I mean, what the fuck do those words even mean?
BRI
You gave my wife, your sister, a number for a back specialist.
SIS
I did no such thing.
BRI
I called. It was this Czechoslovakian guy. He didn’t know anything about backs.
SIS
He’s Ukrainian.
BRI
He sounded like a Czech.
SIS
His accent passes like clouds.
BRI
So?
SIS
So?
BRI
So why did you do that?
SIS
I’m going to let you do a little thinking before I answer that, Bri. There’s some dots and you should put them together and see the design in your head.
BRI
He’s not a back specialist.
SIS
Ding.
BRI
He’s someone else.
SIS
Warmer.
BRI
Who is he?
SIS
A friend.
BRI
What does he do?
SIS
You’ll have to ask him that yourself.
BRI
He said not to call, men shouldn’t call him he said.
SIS
Then you’re going to be tortured by the possibilities. Suck.
Sis inhales smoke, blows it in Bri’s direction.
Then:
SIS
You want some?
BRI
I don’t smoke pot because I hate drugs.
SIS
Yes, Officer.
BRI
Drugs destroy everything.
SIS
Yeah, but they’re pretty fucking fun. And who wants to be old, right?
BRI
I want to grow old with my children.
SIS
On what planet? Your children are going to be living underground eating dirt. Nice future.
BRI
You don’t have any hope in your heart.
SIS
Fuck no. Hope is the next step to misery because if you think everything’s going to be all right I got a couple pictures of some glaciers to show you.
BRI
You’ve given up.
SIS
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
BRI
So what keeps you alive?
SIS
I’m here. That’s about all I can say. I tried to do it once. You know, tried to off myself but it just wasn’t right. I don’t think I did it right, well, obviously yeah because I’m talking to you I didn’t do it right.
BRI
How did you do it?
SIS
Gas oven. It was just fucking boring. My knees got all sore and natural gas just smells awful, like really sharp farts, but kind of narcotic too so instead of killing myself I just got really high. It was like with whippets. Did you ever do whippets?
BRI
What’s whippets?
SIS
You crack open a Nitrous Oxide container into a balloon and suck in the gas. The world goes dark for five seconds and you hear bells, these beautiful bells chiming. It doesn’t last very long, which is the sad part, because for those few moments you’re nowhere and it’s very extraordinarily gorgeous.
BRI
That sounds like an actual hell.
SIS
When a girl needs to go away, she does it hard.
BRI
Why did you want to go away?
SIS
A couple of stupid things, just a couple things in my life that were going in circles and I couldn’t seem to shake them. There was a man at one point but he exited. I don’t really remember why now, I don’t remember the reasons, really, just a lot of yelling in stairwells because the past is pretty blurry after all this time. This man.
Beat.
SIS
Nice sweater.
BRI
Do you like it?
SIS
No, man, it’s got the name of your college and you’re, like, not in college anymore.
BRI
Communications.
SIS
What?
BRI
That was my major.
SIS
Like, Communications?
BRI
Yeah.
SIS
Isn’t that, like, everything? Isn’t everything you study Communications?
BRI
I never thought about it like that.
SIS
I’m a pretty smart girl. Could have saved yourself some money if you knew me then.
BRI
What do you mean?
SIS
I’m a pretty cheap date. Not even cheap, you know, money doesn’t even come into the equation with me and dating. I don’t care where. Taxi cab, elevator shaft. It’s all the same.
BRI
You dating anyone now?
SIS
I’m dating many people simultaneously. And again, dating. Not a word that accurately describes what I do. More like baseball. I run from bag to bag.
BRI
We’re the same.
SIS
I don’t know about that, Bri. You’re not a batter. You’re a golfer. You walk to the hole.
BRI
What do you mean?
SIS
You say that a lot, you ask what I mean when you know already.
BRI
You’re right. I understand you. I’ve been where you’re at.
SIS
And where’s that?
BRI
Lost. I was lost. But it didn’t feel all that bad. And I kept my life going. I maintained healthy relationships while pursuing unhealthy relationships. I had girlfriends. Lots of girlfriends. Girlfriends in all parts of the city. But I didn’t have much time. I divided my time between all of them. So no one was really satisfied. Except me. If I didn’t like the tits on one girl I’d get good tits on another. This one’s ass sags. This one has hairy nipples. And I thought if I could combine them all, it would be perfect. Assemble all the parts of all the women into one great big whore.
SIS
…
BRI
I can’t say these things to her.
SIS
No. She’s your wife. The wedding vow nullifies honesty.
BRI
But you like it, right? You like it when I talk to you.
SIS
I can’t say I prefer you one way or the other. You’re here. I’m here. That’s it.
BRI
I try to flip her over and she starts crying. Do you let people do that? Do you let people flip you over?
SIS
I’m a street, Bri. You can walk on me any way you want.
BRI
Oh yeah?
SIS
Just no loitering.
BRI
You do this with your friend? The guy with the number?
SIS
Sure, of course, but he’s not my friend, he’s just a guy. I don’t do male friends. That never works. You always end up fucking them when you’re weak and then you’re yelling on some bridge and you have no clue how you got there, but there you are. So yeah, he comes over, this guy comes over.
BRI
What do you do?
SIS
I’m a lady and ladies don’t tell you things about their private sexual lives because it’s my private sexual life.
BRI
I just want to get some ideas.
SIS
Some ideas?
BRI
For Lil and I.
SIS
What does Lil do?
BRI
Not much.
SIS
That doesn’t sound encouraging.
BRI
Now I can’t do anything. She rolls over and I’m staring at the ceiling.
SIS
She took up knitting.
BRI
I want to punch her. Right in the neck.
SIS
Did you see mine?
BRI
Your what?
Sis fits knit bunny cap on her head.
SIS
Cute, huh?
BRI
She made me one too.
SIS
Oh yeah? Did you bring it?
BRI
I think I may have it somewhere.
SIS
Put it on.
Bri pulls knit cougar cap from coat, fits it to his head.
SIS
What is that like a cat?
BRI
A cougar.
SIS
Oh, that’s very cute.
BRI
Yeah.
SIS
You look very cute. I don’t remember telling anyone that before but there it is, my mouth said it.
BRI
Grr.
SIS
That’s funny.
BRI
Grrr!
SIS
“Oh please Mister Cougar don’t bite me!”
BRI
“I will bite you!”
SIS
“No, please!”
BRI
“I’m biting you!”
SIS
This is weird.
BRI
Yes.
SIS
We should probably, like, stop, we should stop this.
BRI
Yes.
SIS
Out of respect, you know, because I break a lot of things in my life but some things, you know, I can’t do, Bri, I can’t do some things because some things are still sanctified because once you got religion in you it never goes away, like a cough, religion’s like a coughing sickness so even though you’d like to think you can do some things some things you can’t do, I was raised Catholic, we were raised Catholic, Lil and I, your wife and I, did you know your wife was Catholic?
BRI
Yes.
SIS
I was supposed to be her, I mean, that was the plan and all, our lives were supposed to be the same. Did you know that? Little variations, sure, we’d have different houses and different interests and husbands, different husbands because I was engaged once but he said choose so I chose this, I chose to be like this instead of be with him. That’s how it goes, right?
Beat.
SIS
Do you want to play a game?
BRI
What kind of game?
SIS
A game between you and me. A game two people can play when they have nothing else to do.
BRI
Sure.
SIS
Good. I mean, if you’re up for it. If you’re up to play with me.
BRI
Sure.
SIS
Okay. You got a hanky?
BRI
I do, as a matter of fact.
SIS
Classic man. I like that.
Sis takes handkerchief from Bri.
SIS
I don’t ever think I’ve been alone with you in a room.
BRI
No?
SIS
What’s it like?
BRI
What’s what like?
SIS
Not having an identity.
BRI
I’ve got an identity.
SIS
Not in this room you don’t. You are who you are because the people around you. No one’s around you. And I don’t know you very well. So who are you now?
BRI
I’m Bri. I’ve got a wife. She’s your sister.
SIS
She’s not in this room. She might show up one day and change that. You’ll say things you don’t mean. You won’t even know you’re saying them. But there’s this force pulling you outside yourself. The more time she’s in your space, the more she pulls you from that other self. So you have to be willing accept that. You might never see this you again. This might already be the past.
BRI
I think I could be okay with that.
SIS
I just wanted to warn you in case someone gets hurt.
She pulls out a large kitchen knife.
SIS
Now. Take this knife from my hand.
BRI
You want me to steal that knife?
SIS
I want you to try.
Bri tries to take the knife.
Sis dodges him.
At first, this is very playful.
But Bri soon becomes angry.
He leaps at her, snarling.
Finally, he catches her and pins her on the ground.
She stabs him in the thigh.
BRI
Oh god oh god oh god.
SIS
You win.
BRI
It hurts I mean it really hurts.
SIS
This is the fun part.
Sis slides Bri’s pants down.
She dabs wound with handkerchief.
SIS
There’s a lot of blood.
BRI
I know.
SIS
Did you want me to suck some of it out?
BRI
Like - ?
SIS
Suck some of it out?
BRI
Like - ?
SIS
Suck some of it out?
Sis sucks the wound, during which:
BRI
That would be okay. That would be all right with me. If you wanted to do that, it would be fine. I have no objections to you doing that. That thing you’re doing is very good, I like that thing you’re doing and I will not put up any barriers to you doing that.
Sis rolls over.
Hikes up her skirt.
SIS
All yours.
BRI
Thank you.
SIS
Thank me later.
He presses himself inside her.
BRI
Oh God.
SIS
There you are.
BRI
Oh my God, oh my God.
SIS
Stay with me now.
BRI
/ Baton Rouge, Louisiana then Indianapolis, Indiana and Columbus is the capital of Ohio then there's Montgomery, Alabama south of Helena, Montana then Denver, Colorado under Boise, Idaho and Texas has Austin then we go north to Massachusetts, Boston and Albany, New York then Tallahassee, Florida and Washington, D.C. and Santa Fe, New Mexico and Nashville, Tennessee and Trenton's in New Jersey north of Jefferson, Missouri then Richmond in Virginia, South Dakota has Pierre, Harrisburg's in Pennsylvania and Augusta's up in Maine and here is Providence, Rhode Island next to Dover, Delaware then Concord, New Hampshire, just a quick jaunt to Montpelier which is up in Vermont Hartford's in Connecticut, so pretty in the fall, and Kansas has Topeka, Minnesota has St. Paul, Juneau's in Alaska and there's Lincoln in Nebraska and it's Raleigh out in North Carolina and then there's Madison, Wisconsin and Olympia in Washington then Phoenix, Arizona and Lansing, Michigan and here's Honolulu, Hawaii's a joy, and Jackson, Mississippi and Springfield, Illinois and South Carolina with Columbia down the way and Annapolis in Maryland on the Chesapeake Bay then Salem in Oregon and from there we join Little Rock in Arkansas, Iowa's got Des Moines. Sacramento, California and on to Oklahoma and its city Charleston, West Virginia and Nevada, Carson City and Atlanta's down in Georgia and there's Bismarck, North Dakota and you can live in Frankfort in your old Kentucky home and Cheyenne is in Wyoming and perhaps you make your home in Salt Lake City out in Utah where the buffalo roam.
SIS
(simultaneous) There you are … There’s a nice boy … Stay with me now … Stay with me here … That’s a nice boy … There you are … Stay with me now … Stay with me here … That’s a nice boy … There you are … Stay with me here … Stay with me now … There you are … Stay with me here … That’s a nice boy … There you are … There you are … Stay with me now … There you are … Stay with me here … That’s a nice boy … There you are … Stay with me here … Stay with me now … That’s a nice boy … There you are … Stay with me now … Stay with me here … There you are .. You’re there … You’re right there … You’re right here.
4.
A hotel room
LIL
I have the ice. I put the ice in a plastic bag and I’m setting it right here. Is that okay?
GRIG
(no accent) Yes.
LIL
Do you want anything?
GRIG
No.
LIL
There’s a mini-bar. We have soda pop. Cans of soda pop and milk. If you wanted OJ you could have OJ or Pineapple juice. There’s beer and wine but I suppose it’s too early so you could have coffee or tea. We have both things or maybe just water, you want some water?
GRIG
No.
LIL
I’m going to have water. Is it all right if I have water?
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
I can’t place your accent. Sis said you have an accent, like some kind of Russian accent but I can’t really tell. Do you know where you’re from?
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
That’s good. That’s great. It’s a wonderful thing to know where you’re from. I’m from the West. I grew up among trees. But there aren’t any trees here. Everywhere you look there’s buildings and more buildings. I went up on the roof at my own apartment and looked in every direction. Everything I saw was made by man. Except the sky, but that’s full of airplanes all the time, even at night, you see these blinking UFOs cross the stars. Do you have trees where you’re from?
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
Are they beautiful?
GRIG
No.
LIL
That’s sad to hear. It’s sad that places don’t have beautiful trees because they make everything nicer, don’t you think? I just think of the future and there were trees in the past but very few in the present. We might be alive to see it. The last living tree. It might happen in our lifetime. That will be a sad day but also ennobling because then we’ll realize all these grave mistakes we’re making. I’m not very optimistic about the future. But I have a baby now, a baby on the way so I have to buck up and get happy about everything. Did you see I was pregnant?
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
We’re very happy. Are you married?
GRIG
No.
LIL
Well, you should find yourself a lovely lady one day and settle down. It’s worked wonders for my life. Wonders. You’re never complete until you’ve sacrificed your life with someone else. It’s a lovely institution. What I like is that we think the same things. Our thoughts are exactly the same, my husband and I. He’s not home right now. He’s away right now. He’s away on business, some business conference and he’s gone. This ring, did you see this ring?
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
It’s a symbol of our love. We protect each other, like the line from that one poet, that German poet who wrote letters to that beginning poet telling him all about life. Somewhere in there he says love is protecting each other’s solitude. And that’s what Bri does. He protects my solitude. He leaves me alone. He leaves me at home. He left me home so I thought I’d call you and come here to this hotel room with you so you could keep me company. It’s good to have company, right? It’s very healthy. I’m just protecting my health with including you in my company. It’s harmless, don’t you think it’s harmless?
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
I’m glad you agree with me. I should thank you for agreeing with me. It’s been so long since someone did that, since someone listened to me and agreed with what I was saying. You’re a good listener. You had a good mother, I bet you had a good kind mother who taught you how to treat a lady. Was your mother good?
GRIG
No.
LIL
That’s sad to hear. I’m mainly thinking about myself here of course if you excuse me. Excuse me if I’m a little selfish and think about myself when I should be thinking about your mother, I’m just worried about this baby, I know it doesn’t look like I’m pregnant but I am. Six months now. I still don’t feel anything and there’s not much there but I have hope. Please go on. You were saying something. Right? Weren’t you saying something?
GRIG
No.
LIL
I could have sworn you were speaking just now. I tend to imagine things that may or may not have happened. It’s a problem. Well, to be perfectly honest I’m perfectly okay with it but some people in my life don’t like it so much so I usually don’t say anything or I say something I don’t mean like something nice that I don’t mean when really there’s this other thing just right on the corner of my mind, like a little gargoyle hanging over my thoughts, at least that’s how I think about it, this snarling gargoyle spitting water on my brain. Does that ever happen to you?
GRIG
No.
LIL
It must just be me then. I must be making this all up. Do you ever do that? Imagine things that aren’t there but seem like they are?
GRIG
No.
LIL
That’s a shame. You’re cheating yourself out of one of the greatest gifts human beings have to offer themselves. Imagination. Thought. You have thoughts, right? You think about things when you’re over there staring at me, there’s things happening in your head right now right as I’m saying this.
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
Oh good. For a minute there I thought, well, I don’t know what I thought. Only robots don’t think and I’m thinking This guy’s not a robot is he? Is he? Are you? You’re not a robot are you?
GRIG
No.
LIL
But that would be funny, right? If you were. That would be really weird. I don’t know what I would do then. Did you bring anything? Did you bring anything for me to see?
Grig places small black case on table.
LIL
What’s in there?
GRIG
Look.
LIL
No, not yet, it doesn’t seem right, I sort of jumped the gun.
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
You seem like a smart person even though you don’t say much. Do you want to say anything? Did you want to speak some words in my direction? You can say anything. You can tell me how your day was or what you ate earlier today. You can tell me about your parents or your last vacation, that would be nice to hear, or a girlfriend if you have a girlfriend or what you really want to do with your life. You can tell me about your brother or if you have a sister tell me about her or you could have lot of siblings and that could be an interesting story and then we could talk about what religion you are and if you’re using a different religion than the one you were born with and what that might mean, you know, in an ontological sense. I’m just throwing out options here. Or did you want to ask me a question? You could ask me about my hair. I dye my hair blonde but I’m a brunette or maybe you don’t care to know that. Maybe you want to hear about the apartment, how much the apartment costs and we could have an interesting discussion about the price of apartments because I always learn so much from that conversation. You’re looking at my stomach, the baby, you want to know about the baby? We found out the sex the other day because he’s that far along, he’s got a penis now and he’s not a girl and I didn’t really want to find out because I like surprises and I wanted a girl. I shouldn’t have said that. I take that back, can I take that back? Would you mind? Would you forget everything I just said?
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
Do you want to start?
GRIG
Yes.
LIL
Just the back of the head and my back. Just my neck. The back of my neck is where you should –
Grig punches Lil in the back of the neck, hard.
LIL
Okay, stars, that’s okay, this has happened before, this has –
Grig punches her neck again, harder.
LIL
Okay, that hurt a little more but it’s fine, I think you may want to do it again but everything’s fine, everything’s –
Grig punches her neck again, fiercely, knocking her to the floor.
LIL
I might, you know, I might need a minute or two can you prop me on something until this stops and maybe you could get me the ice? I could get it if you don’t want to but is it all right if I collect myself and you can give me the ice?
Grig presses ice bag to Lil’s neck.
LIL
Thank you.
GRIG
Shh.
LIL
It’s nice of you to hold that for me I don’t think my arms really work that well now.
GRIG
Shhh. You will be fine.
LIL
It really, I know I asked you and everything but it really hurts.
GRIG
You will be fine. All you have to do is listen to my voice. Are you listening to my voice? Are you hearing my voice as it is speaking to you now? Nod your head yes if you hear my voice speaking to you, speaking in your ear and nowhere else.
LIL
(nods yes)
GRIG
My voice is the only thing. Close your eyes and listen to my voice. Just take a breath in the darkness and listen to my voice as I’m telling you these words. There is a door right in front of you. I don’t want you to open it yet. I want you to look at it. I want you to look at the grains of wood running down the door. Now I want you to touch the door. It’s cold, it feels cold. It’s windy outside, you can hear the wind cutting cold into the door, cutting through the wooden door right in front of you as you listen to my voice, keep listening to my voice. You see a doorknob. Now put your hand around the doorknob but don’t open it yet because it feels smooth and cold in your hand but familiar, like an object you use all the time, a cold metal object you keep in your pocket, keep it in your pocket all the time, this cold metal object you use to solve problems, this other thing, this thing in your pocket which you can take out at any second and bring up to your face and solve all your problems. Open the door. What’s the first thing you see?
LIL
I see her. She’s waiting right there.
Lil opens her eyes.
LIL
Thank you. You’re so nice. You’re so nice to me. I don’t have many people in my life this kind. Should I look now? Should I look in the case there? I’ll take a look.
Lil opens case, gazes inside.
LIL
That’s beautiful. That’s just beautiful. Thank you. This solves everything.
5.
A beach house.
Lil sits looking out a huge window onto the crashing waves, her face hidden the entire time:
BRI
So I’m tell him I don’t know what business you’re in. But people don’t want to have a bad time when they watch a story. And he goes, that’s sad. And I go, well, that’s simply how it is. And then he goes off about expressing a deeper psychological complexity about human suffering in this modern technological age where the loss of religion and emotional instability have caused too many options and that we no longer have contact with wisdom and blah blah blah. I stop him. Look. We think you’re very talented but you’ll never go anywhere if you can’t have hope.
LIL
Nn.
BRI
And unlike this fucking guy I never even finished college. Not finished finished. Last fifteen credits. We had to read books. I didn’t understand why we had to do that. They weren’t talking about anything important. Just the past. The past isn’t important. No one has any reason to care about the past because it’s already happened.
LIL
Nn hn.
BRI
But the professor didn’t agree. So I told the professor he was total bullshit. And then this fucking bitch quotes some line like there are more things on earth than I can fit in my mind. You know like telling me I’m stupid? So then I call him that, I call him a fucking –
LIL
– bitch.
BRI
Yeah and then it was really weird he got calm then just simply told me I only processed information and didn’t actually understand it and I didn’t actually read books just consumed them and lacked the ability to think critically about abstract concepts and finally I’m like That’s it.
LIL
You dropped out.
BRI
I told this already?
LIL
Yes.
BRI
You should have stopped me.
LIL
I don’t want to stop you, Bri.
BRI
…
LIL
Are you still standing there?
BRI
Yeah.
LIL
Okay, Bri.
BRI
I just wanted to get a good view of the surf.
LIL
…
BRI
So you like it?
LIL
Yes, Bri.
BRI
You like the ocean?
LIL
The ocean’s fine, Bri.
BRI
Sure like staring at it.
LIL
Clouds.
BRI
Clouds?
LIL
See those black clouds?
BRI
What about them?
LIL
Just look.
They look.
BRI
What am I looking at?
LIL
You don’t see anything?
BRI
No.
LIL
It must just be me.
BRI
Yeah.
LIL
…
BRI
It’s balmy in here and you’re wearing a scarf.
LIL
Yes.
BRI
I can turn the fake fire down.
LIL
No.
BRI
You should take it off then.
LIL
If it’s okay with you I would like to keep my scarf on.
BRI
Sure.
LIL
…
BRI
I called your back specialist.
LIL
… Yes?
BRI
Last week.
LIL
That’s nice.
BRI
He’s sounds good. He sounds really good.
LIL
That’s nice to hear.
BRI
Are you going to see him again?
LIL
I got what I needed.
BRI
So your back doesn’t hurt anymore?
LIL
Everything’s fine now. I couldn’t be happier.
BRI
Good.
LIL
…
BRI
I was going to bring this up in the city.
LIL
What is it, Bri?
BRI
Well in the last week some things have come up.
LIL
I know.
BRI
You –
LIL
I don’t know what they are. But I know there’s something. Right?
BRI
Well yeah.
LIL
And now’s when you will tell me?
BRI
It’s about our place.
LIL
You’ve rehearsed this so just do it like you played in your head.
BRI
I was thinking we should move. The apartment’s too small for three.
LIL
Yes.
BRI
We’ll move to a bigger place.
LIL
That will be wonderful.
BRI
We could even get a room for your sister.
LIL
Okay, Bri.
BRI
Your sister needs a solid place to live. She could watch the baby.
LIL
That will be nice.
BRI
Just the five of us.
LIL
Four.
BRI
Hn?
LIL
There would only be four human beings living in our household. Right, Bri?
BRI
Oh. Yes. Did I say … ?
LIL
Five.
BRI
I guess I must be hungry I’ll see what’s in the fridge.
LIL
You’re limping.
BRI
I hurt myself falling down a flight of stairs.
LIL
That makes sense.
BRI
Hey not to change the subject but since we were just talking about your sister maybe now’s the time I should ask about when she’s coming back?
LIL
I can’t see her anymore.
BRI
She went swimming.
LIL
Yeah she walked out to the meet the waves but I lost track of her.
BRI
A bit chilly for swimming.
LIL
She’ll be fine.
BRI
I’ll go out and look for her.
LIL
She’ll be fine.
BRI
I’ll just head out and see where she’s at.
LIL
Okay, Bri.
BRI
What do you mean?
LIL
Hn?
BRI
Sorry I thought you said something else.
LIL
What did you think I said, Bri?
BRI
Nothing.
LIL
Why don’t you go search for my sister in the ocean, Bri.
BRI
No I’ll stay here. We’ll wait for your sister here.
LIL
That sounds fine, Bri.
BRI
Why are you talking like that?
LIL
How am I talking, Bri?
BRI
You’re not lively, there’s no life left in your voice.
LIL
I’ve always talked like this, Bri.
BRI
Quit saying my name like that. Don’t keep saying my name at the end of all your sentences. I didn’t do anything. Why do you think I did something? Jesus. Trying to get a little peace with you and your sister here at the ocean. Nothing’s wrong.
Sis comes in, sopping wet in bathing suit.
SIS
I found this dead fucking piece of seaweed, anyone want this fucking seaweed? I plucked this seaweed from the bottom of the ocean, I swam down and plucked it. We can cook some of it up with some Japanese food and save some for later or we can eat all of it now, just eat all of it, and why am I holding this fucking thing in my hand?
BRI
You plucked it from the bottom of the ocean.
SIS
Oh right.
BRI
Do you want a towel?
SIS
I like shivering.
BRI
You must be freezing.
SIS
Yeah, that was pretty cold, man, that water out there is very pretty cold like icicles stabbing your skin. I need some like hot cocoa or something, yeah, that would be nice some hot cocoa to warm up the inside areas of myself but I don’t think I should drink anything, I shouldn’t drink anything else cause my stomach’s all fucked up and maybe I should drink some antacid or something but no, no I shouldn’t drink anything.
BRI
What did you drink?
SIS
I didn’t bring anything to take, I didn’t really have any money and I don’t have any money, I don’t have any money, and instead of buying groceries I bought something to take but then I took it all and we’re in this fucking cabin so I had to take something, I couldn’t be here like actually be here because it’s too much so I went into the bathroom, the cabinet, the bathroom cabinet and drank some old cough syrup.
BRI
I’ll call an ambulance.
SIS
No, man, this isn’t hysterics like a hysterical situation.
BRI
You’ve poisoned yourself.
SIS
No, I’ve done this before, it passes right through you just have to wait a very long time for the world to wear off and back to the real world am I like speaking to you right now? You should probably not look too hard at me right now and Oh God fuck what’s wrong with Lil?
BRI
She’s fine.
SIS
Lil, my little lily pad.
LIL
Sis?
SIS
She speaks.
LIL
Come here, Sis.
SIS
What is it?
LIL
I made something for you.
Lil, still faced away, holds out knit bunny cap.
SIS
You already gave me that thing before.
LIL
I made you another.
SIS
Two, I don’t like need two of them there’s only one of me at the house at all times.
LIL
You lost the other one.
SIS
I didn’t lose it.
LIL
I thought you lost it.
SIS
This isn’t, this is like, this is my old one, this is the same one you gave me.
LIL
I hope you like it.
SIS
Why did you do that? Did you steal this from me? You took it, right, you took it out of my bag, why did you take it out of my bag? That’s like a major breach of trust between sisters, we trust each other, we’re supposed to trust each other’s shit, right?
LIL
I trust you, Sis.
SIS
Why did you take it?
LIL
I don’t know.
SIS
I can see what you mean, Bri, she’s difficult, I didn’t see this before when it was just me and her in a room together but she’s different around you and I don’t know why that is maybe it’s the shift in environment and the displacement, like the mental displacement of being a young woman sitting and watching the ocean what do you see out there that you like so much oh sister of mine?
LIL
Nothing.
SIS
What are you looking at?
LIL
Nothing. I don’t see anything.
SIS
You have to be looking at something because even when you’re looking at nothing you’re still looking at something like the inside of your eyeballs or eyeballs open and darkness.
LIL
The clouds.
SIS
But you’re staring, you’re staring at something.
LIL
No.
SIS
Just admit to it because I can clearly see you looking at something.
LIL
I always thought it would happen like this. With me sitting right here. The clouds were just the same. This pattern over here, this combination of clouds, I dreamed about it, it was just like it is now.
SIS
Okay, I don’t understand that, I don’t understand a word you’re saying so will you stop looking outside? There’s nothing for you to see out there, don’t make me turn you away, I want to turn you away from the window, I’m going to grab you and turn you away if you don’t do it yourself. I’m going nuts. This was the worst idea, why are we here, why are we here? You’re looking out like you’ve got thoughts, do you have any thoughts you’d like to think out loud, Lil, it would really help me if you spoke right now about what you were thinking about.
LIL
I was thinking about Communion, Sis. Confirmation. Our little white dresses. I never liked the wafers. Neither did you. They tasted like moldy cardboard, remember?
SIS
Yeah.
LIL
And remember we never ate it? We knelt in front of the cross and signed the cross and slipped the sacrament in our pockets. And mom found out, the sock drawer, we had hidden the body of Christ in the sock closet, just full of these tasteless wafers. And you giggled, here’s mom yelling at you and you’re giggling. I always admired that, Sis. You laughing at something you did wrong. I’m sorry I never told you before.
Bri puts a towel over Sis’s shoulders.
SIS
Get that shit off me, what do you think this is, man? You don’t just sneak up on me and do that I’m talking to your sister your wife and you can’t do that, you can’t do it like that, all nonchalant like that.
BRI
You’re going to get sick.
SIS
I’m already sick you can’t see it? I drank something and now I’m better but not really better, not like good, I’m not doing good. And why do you care about that, why are you nice, you’re not nice, are you? Not usually nice.
BRI
I’m trying to be a good host.
SIS
What am I like a parasite? I need to lie down, I’m going to lie down a minute.
BRI
I’ve been thinking we should go home. I’m not sure if I like the ocean. I haven’t spent much time around the ocean, not in any significant way. I don’t think I like it. I think I hate the ocean. I hate the ocean and we’re going home tonight. We’ve got work to do. There are things to do back in our real lives. Right, Lil? Don’t you have to get back to things?
LIL
There’s nothing to get back to.
BRI
Well, I’ve got things that I need to accomplish. I don’t know about you but I’ve got a really great life to get back to.
LIL
Can I shower first?
BRI
Of course.
LIL
I want to be clean for the trip back.
Lil goes out.
SIS
I think she already knows, Bri, there’s this silence that says she knows.
BRI
We’re fine.
SIS
I can see the other side of ceiling. I can see the rain on the roof and it’s like there’s no separation between the roof and the ceiling, they’re the same thing. In the waves I tried to imagine it, being in water for the rest of my life, living in the water for the rest of my life like when I was kid, like a baby, when I was that little thing I don’t remember being, I can’t even imagine it, being so small and tiny but I was there once, you could hold me in the palm of your hand at one point and look at me now in this bag, this bag of a body. Did you think I was pregnant when I showed up, I mean, did you have a sense of it or am I going to have to tell you? You probably didn’t guess, you have that look like Oh shit is it mine and that’s a question I can’t truly answer, like it’s really baffling me too because I’ve had so many so quickly just in and out like it would solve something, like if it happened enough times something would be beaten out of me and I wish someone would just beat it out of me but you didn’t, none of them did, you just pumped away and I let you do it and now I’ve got this shit up my stomach.
BRI
Oh my God.
SIS
Yeah, yeah, I already went through this.
BRI
What are you going to do?
SIS
Blow my nose.
BRI
What?
SIS
Too poetic? Sorry, Bri. I forgot you can’t think pictures in your head and relate them to other possible imaginary circumstances.
BRI
You’re not going to do that.
SIS
I want you to look at me really quickly, just scan me a second and imagine me going through with it and how fast I will make the circumstance miserable, no, it makes me sick thinking of it, it would be cruel, it would be the cruelest thing I’ve ever done.
BRI
You’ll hate yourself if do it.
SIS
No, I really don’t think that because it would really be love. Nothing needs to enter this world anymore. We’re fine with what we’ve got already but it’s always more and more and more, everything’s always on the way and that needs to stop so I’m doing something about it. I hate her but I love her already, she’s not even a she and I already love her.
BRI
I won’t let you.
SIS
And like who the fuck are you, huh? You’re nobody, you’re not even a person, I don’t even know who you are and why am I even telling you this? I already have enough voices going on, okay? I don’t need another one, I don’t need yours, I don’t need your voice in my head. This is just something that’s happening not something we need to get upset over just a small surgical procedure like removing a pimple or cancer, it needs to happen but we can’t get too upset about it otherwise we won’t be able to get up in the morning.
BRI
Life is the only valuable thing. It needs to continue at any cost. Any cost.
SIS
No.
BRI
Our happiness does not matter. We’re in service of something larger than ourselves. And we shouldn’t question that. We shouldn’t stop that from happening. Our creator gives us everything. We cannot question the life He gives in return. So you’re going to keep it. Just listen to my voice. I want you to keep it. You will keep it and love it.
SIS
I’m so afraid, Bri, I’m very afraid all the time and I don’t think you can do anything about that because I’m just simply afraid of doing anything anymore.
BRI
That’s why you’re keeping it. All you fear will be gone soon. In a few months, everything will be okay. Everything’s going to be okay, Sis. I promise.
SIS
I hate it when people say promise, it sounds false like a lie like something you want to say but don’t really mean and what about your sister, I mean, your wife, like this is such a major thing I don’t know if I can live like this, no, man, I don’t know, I feel sick, I’m getting sick.
BRI
You have to let me try. It can work. I know it. It’s possible.
SIS
You don’t really mean that, I mean, you really mean that?
BRI
I know I can make this work because nothing can deter human will.
SIS
I don’t know what to do.
BRI
Let’s go right now.
SIS
Like, leave?
BRI
Yes.
SIS
And leave her here?
BRI
Yes.
SIS
Just leave her here, leave her alone at the end of the fucking land and she’s about to, my nephew, she’s about to give birth to my nephew. Can you do that? Because I don’t know if I can. I’ve reached my limit, I can’t do anything else to anyone or do anything to myself I’m just going to be still, I’m going to be very still and not move anymore, I never want to do anything ever again.
BRI
Get your coat.
SIS
I can’t move, Bri.
BRI
Get your coat, Sis.
SIS
I can’t move.
Lil comes in wearing bathrobe.
She holds small black case.
It hangs open.
LIL
I’m so glad we came here. It’s so nice to get away. Breathe some fresh air. I feel like I can think out here. I’m thinking very clearly now. My thoughts are calm and clear. I want to thank you for being my sister. I know we’ve fought about things but that doesn’t matter anymore. None of it matters and I just want to tell you I love you. I want to thank you for our marriage, Bri. It was a wonderful time. The whole thing was wonderful. I remember your cufflinks at the wedding. These shining golden cufflinks. And I thought any man who could wear cufflinks that brilliant deserves my love. I want to thank you for giving me a child. It has fulfilled me in a way I can’t possibly begin to tell you. My life has purpose now.
From the pocket of her robe, she quickly pulls out a handgun.
She fires into her mouth.
Her brain explodes into the perfect shape of a heart, splattered on the back wall.
LIL
And I was thinking about a name. I think Lilith is a wonderful name. Don’t you?
Lights slowly fade.
End of Play.
––
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cover image: Mari Yamamoto (LIL), photo by Jamie Valles